I'm listening to: The New Pornographers - Ballad of a Comeback Kid

Pfft. I really need to get all my lost Brand New songs back. I ONLY have 'The Quiet Things that No One Ever Knows' left; 'Am I Wrong' from my previous post was from Youtube. For a period of time, I'd feel horribly uncomfortable if I didn't have access to my songs even just for a day. Thank goodness I'm over that. I hope I won't lapse into it again.

When I try to think about my (more) distant future, i.e. 5 years and beyond, I can't come up with anything substantial. It's not that I don't have a vivid imagination, but nothing feels remotely plausible. This is quite awkward and uncomfortable, considering also that I subscribe to soft-determinism. I feel that I ought to have at least an inkling of an idea where I'm headed based on where I am now, but I don't. For as long as I could, I'd tried to remain a 'stem cell' so I'd have my options open. That's why I took 9 subjects at 'O' levels, including Physics which I have absolutely no affinity with or interest in, and Math at 'A's, which I just can't stand because I hate having to practise. It feels quite horrible thinking that as we're gradually branching out and specializing, there are some areas (of the academic world at least) that we're forever losing the potential for contact with under these maximally constructive conditions. We will never find out if we have the flair and talent for success in whichever field it is we don't access. University's only made me more acutely aware of this. The thought of being pigeonholed into something on the basis that there's no other space you can fill, and perhaps even under the illusion that you did like for this to happen, is just so revolting precisely because it isn't true.

Imagine, anyone's so called future hinges on just a couple of crucial moments in time where just a minor alteration in the circumstances present could result in a seismic divergence, taking them to a completely different place at the same point in time, in comparison. I can't remember who said this though, it is most definitely a 'she'; but I agree completely, that (what and who) we are products of the "nature cum nurture" lottery. Much of what we are depends really of what we call luck, though it's probably an oversimplification of many background forces that we just don't comprehend. If we're fortunate enough, it takes us in a good direction, but if we aren't, we would never know otherwise anyway, thanks or no thanks to the 'serial' arrangement (remember battery circuits in primary school science??) of chronological events. I don't think people who are unfortunate really know how unfortunate they are; they probably just believe it more strongly.

Maybe the point of all this is that it doesn't really matter at all. Our life courses can't possibly encompass all of, or even most of, everything under the sun, so why bother? It's a pity and a blessing that human life is so short. What a contradiction.

On a separate note, perhaps anthropologists have it better.

I'm listening to: Brand New - Am I Wrong?

I have a somewhat unusual (but perfectly justified, as you will see) fascination with the meat-grinder. An animal creature enters on one end and a food item emerges on the other, yet they are one and the same in terms of their components being constant. What exactly has the meat-grinder taken from the creature, besides its external physical form, to drastically reduce its status from creature/being to object?

Sure, it looks different, especially when it's all dressed up in paper or a styrofoam box and cling wrapped, but it's still a chunk of a dead animal's corpse.

The meat-grinder also manifests psychologically and in more ways than one, to make unpleasant facts more palatable to ourselves. We simply relabel. This is why I don't like euphemisms when I'm talking to people whom I'm comfortable expressing myself somewhat freely with. It's unfortunate that they're a necessary evil in almost all other circumstances. I don't like them not because they make things sound better than they really are but that they are sometimes really misleading, and occasionally even mark manipulative intentions.

By the way, I'm not a vegetarian, but I do think we take too many things for granted because of our social conditioning.

I'm listening to: Norah Jones - The Nearness of You

I think I know why we might sometimes feel like we're dreaming when we're in situations with the need for social interaction after a break (of a few days?). Besides the fact that we're retuning ourselves to function in a group setting, not being used to group interactions is also similar to how social interactions in dreams follow a dream logic of their own and we often relinquish autonomous, truly deliberate control, and behave along these lines (most of the time and usually until we wake up and think back) unquestioningly and uncritically.

I was intending to blog about this yesterday, but I was feeling a little too lazy, haha. I happened to look out of the window in the late afternoon on Sunday when I was going to get ready for ballet, and was struck by the view. The sky was a really pretty, subtly mottled, dove grey from the rain earlier in the morning and unexpectedly, the rooftops of the houses and buildings in my entire view were gilded an uncommonly beautiful shade of gold. If you can imagine: gold with its warmth toned down dramatically but still alluringly scintillating. The contrast was incredibly striking.

Late afternoon/early evening sunshine is so pretty it always sweeps me off my feet when I do have the time, opportunity and mood to appreciate it. It's like a flower in full bloom, just before it wilts i.e. when twilight and dusk settles in; speaking of which, I do like twilight too (NOT THE VAMPIRE SAGA, PLEASE), particularly that of weekend mornings which you aren't really supposed to be seeing because the weekends are for sleeping in =) If you can catch these transitional phases, it's almost like a microcosmic suspension of time where you experience, to some degree, a transcendence of chronological flux, and are allowed a brief glimpse of the stillness of the clockwork that governs the universe.



I almost forgot your face;
Till they played that song tonight,
The one we used to hate.

I'm listening to: Incubus - Talk Shows on Mute

Um, I do think some people would really be more endearing with the sound turned off. Haha, that probably includes me.

I just have to share this:



I found it while looking for syllabus dance videos. Can you believe she's 46?? She's so incredibly graceful =)


Because I'm feeling a little random and I'm in the mood for serious thought;
Here's 75 Questions You've Probably Never...


1. First thing you wash in the shower?
My hair!

2. What color is your favorite hoodie?
I'm not a hoodie kind of kid.

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
My cat? Any day! My cat IS a person.

4.Do you plan outfits?
Sometimes, haha.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
A little odd that I'm having my dinner at one in the morning.

6. Whats the closest thing to you thats red?
The tiny floral prints on my quilt cover!

7. Do you say aim or a-i-m?
I would say aim if I ever use it enough to talk about it.

8. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?
OMG NOW I REMEMBER. After I see them at a mall, CK rides a bike with another girl I know, and somehow they happen to take a rest stop near where I stay and where I meet them again. I manage to catch the girl and talk to her for a bit before she runs off to catch CK and the bike when their mom tells them to go home even though I didn't think they were siblings. On the way home, I walk through a building, apparently part of my compound which happens to become a school now, with a chapel inside on one of the floors, and think of attending mass when I see a nun standing at the entrance, but I find out from her that there isn't mass anytime soon. Weird? Tell me about it.

9. Did you meet anybody new today?
No.

10. What are you craving right now?
A trip to the movies =/

11. Do you floss?
Yes.

12. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
Soup.

13. When was the last time you talked on aim?
Uh, msn? Now?

14. Are you emotional?
Quite; I can be.

15. Would you dance to the taco song
The one Cartman's hand-j.lo sang and recorded?? Sure =D

16. Have you ever counted to 1,000?
No...

17. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
I don't bite.

18. Do you like your hair?
When it behaves well, I do.

19. Do you like yourself?
When I behave well, I do.

20. Have you ever met a celebrity?
Umm... I think they'd be considered celebrities, but those I've met so far I don't really care for. Oh! Except for Tristan Prettyman at her autograph session after the concert =)

21. Do you like cottage cheese?
Yes!

22. What are you listening to right now?
Kim Carnes - Bette Davis Eyes

23. How many countries have you visited?
Not sure, not going to count either.

24. Are your parents strict?
Somewhat.

25. Would you go sky diving?
Yes =D

26. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush?
Uh, no, probably not.

27. Would you throw potatoes at him?
Probably not either, I don't really care about him.

28. Is there anything sparkly in the room you’re in?
The glow-in-the-dark glitter teddies on my wall!

29. Have you ever been in a castle?
I don't think so =(

30. Do you rent movies often?
No.

31. Who sits in behind you in your math class?
Nobody, math is of a bygone era. But Del SAT behind me when I still had math classes =)

32. Have you made a prank phone call?
HAHA YES, OF COURSE.

33. Do you own a gun?
No, not even a water-gun.

34. Can you count backwards from 74?
I'm not about to try that anytime soon.

35. Who are you going to be with tonight?
Uh, if 'tonight' means Sunday it'd be my ballet classmates and teacher.

36. Brown or white eggs?
I'd like to try white! Jamie Oliver uses those!

37. Do you own something from Hot Topic?
No. Isn't that the store in SP?

38. Ever been on a train?
Duh, the MRT. Not the classic kind though.

39. Ever been in love?
Hm, I think so. Unfortunately, nothing happened.

40. Do you have a cell-phone?
Yes.

41. Are you too forgiving?
Probably not.

42. Do you use chap stick?
Yes.

43. What is your best friend doing tomorrow?
Going to church and working on his philo paper.

44. Can you use chop sticks?
HAHAHAHA.

45. Ever have cream puffs?
Yes =)

46. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?
No... I'd like to, though.

47. What was the last question you asked?
"it was such a pain wasn't it?" with regard to 'A' level math.

48. What was the last CD you bought?
Um, I can't remember.

49. Boys or girls?
I like small boys.

50. What is your bus number for school?
??

51. Is your hair curly?
It's supposed to be =/

52. Last time you cried?
When I saw Notting Hill on HBO like a couple of days ago!

53. Ever walked into a wall?
=/

54. Do looks matter?
Obviously, we're only human.

55. Have you ever bought anything from Pac Sun?
No.

56. Have you ever slapped someone?
I don't think so. I should've done that on quite a few occasions though.

57. Favorite time of the year?
January-March!

58. Favorite color?
Green, but not the yucky shades like neon/lime.

59. Are you sarcastic?
Sometimes.

60. Do you have any tattoos?
No!

61. The last person you held hands with?
My little cousin.

62. Do you sleep with the TV on?
No, but the laptop and lights yes, and very often.

63. Where was your default picture taken at?
On msn? Essential Brew at HV.

64. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
Bleargh.

65. Do you like your life right now?
I think so.

66. How often do you talk on the phone?
A few minutes per conversation.

67. What is your favorite animal?
Cats.

68. What was the most recent thing you bought?
Elle.

69. Do you have good vision?
No.

70. Can you hula hoop?
Yes.

71. Could you ever forgive a cheater?
I honestly doubt so.

72. Do you have a job?
No, haha.

73. Can you handle the truth?
I hope so.

74. What are you wearing?
Tee and FBTs.

75. Have you ever crawled through a window?
No, but it'd be nice to try. =)

I'm listening to: Mike Oldfield - Moonlight Shadow

I JUST FOUND OUT I HAVE A BEST FRIEND. I HAD TO 'FIND OUT' BECAUSE THE TITLE OF 'BEST FRIEND' ISN'T AUTOMATICALLY GIVEN TO THE PERSON AT THE TOP OF MY 'FRIENDS' LIST BUT HAPPENS ONLY WHEN THE LIST-TOPPING IS DECLARED MUTUAL.

I DON'T NEED OR WANT A BOYFRIEND ANYMORE. AT LEAST NOT UNTIL I WANT TO GET MARRIED AND HAVE KIDS. GOOD RIDDANCE, BOY-TRASH!

I'm listening to: The Platters - Put Your Head On My Shoulder

Can you imagine that right now, at this very instant, there are billions of other people who are living and breathing, just as you are? So many other personal realities run parallel to yours, forming the complex fabric that is our world and by sheer chance alone, we occupy the place we do. When these realities collide in a good way, as they sometimes do, there is a sublimely beautiful chemical reaction from the mutual alignment and unification of purpose and being.

If we live in awareness of the plurality of existence, I think life could acquire a much fuller and more complex flavour. It would be easier to tune in to the patterns and rhythms that govern the universe and harmonise ourselves with them. Obviously, this flies in the face of self-centredness, which marks just one aspect of our human frailty.

Therefore, what we ought to do is attempt, at the very least, to transcend the dominant but restraining concept of the Self to achieve dissociation and a dislocated perspective of the world around us. This can minimize or blur the discreteness of our individual strands of reality, bringing us a step closer to an immaculately consistent and smooth universal fabric which I perceive to be ideal.

I'm listening to: Taking Back Sunday - You're So Last Summer

They sit, collapsed, in the corner of the room, dressed in spider's silk and shrouded with a musty stench. They are the colour of pine stained to a vintage finish, warmed by the ray of sunlight entering from a hole in the roof. A breeze chances upon this strange collection; it enters by the broken glass windows, bringing with it the complex but subtle perfume of wildflowers from the roadside. Unveiled, they begin to stir.

The whiskey tones slowly fade to cream, and the leathery surface peels away to a naked marble smoothness. Flesh blossoms on the knobbly white twigs, its unfolding petals of a rosy succulence, extending and wrapping around each twig. When it reaches a supple fullness, a thin layer - velvety and coloured like the outside of an unripe apricot - seals everything in.

As the air thickens with building static, strands of ebony snake their way out of follicles on the bare scalp, falling heavily past the shoulder-blades in the fashion of a waterfall at dusk illuminated by moonlight. The lashline fills with calligraphic strokes to a feathery fullness.

The crimson river that is encaged at its source starts flowing. The lips are flooded to a dull scarlet, and the same flush, with a lower intensity, spills across the cheekbones.

The eyelids flutter open to reveal a piercing electric blue.





p.s. Pffft. It really sucks to explain what you were writing about, but I think it can't be helped. My post is about an ancient, dried up skeleton of a corpse going back in time and filling out with flesh and long lustrous hair again to come back to life. The blue refers to her irises. I honestly hope it was hard to understand more because of the weird subject matter than the writing style.

I'm listening to: Saves the Day - In Reverie

I FINALLY GOT MY DRIVER'S LICENSE! =D

I'm feeling more convinced than ever that relativism is true. It's not as if I haven't been thinking that way for quite a long time already, but this belief is still rather inadequate when it comes to dulling the rude shock of jarring differences between people, which I think it ought to do. It's probably too easy being narrow-minded.

I know relativism has been majorly dissed for not accounting for concrete, indisputable facts like the law of gravity, etc. I think these facts constitute a general framework for each individual's interpretation and formation of their own reality, and that the latter is what genuinely matters. That's because concrete truths by themselves are meaningless, if I can draw on an analogy to how colour is entirely a fabrication of our mental faculties and there is, technically, no such thing in 'framework reality', which only has light waves at different frequencies.

'Interpretative reality' (colour, in this case) is of primary importance, particularly because it's our only access to 'framework reality' (this is probably subjective, especially to hard-liner objectivists).

Given that interpretations are subjective, it follows that interpretative reality, hence, blahblahblah... voila - relativism.

This isn't a watertight argument because it's just an opinion I'm exploring, and I do think an answer can be derived in the same manner except, following my line of thought as above, it wouldn't be an objective one. It's an answer, nonetheless, and you're the only one who needs to know, really.

Mental senior citizens = People who are, mentally, like senior citizens, NOT mad old people. These people probably compensate by being childlike in other ways as I've come to notice, and it's cool =)

I'm listening to: Mae - Release Me

My laptop and files were rescued; thank God, my dad and the lovely lady at HP.

Just a couple of days ago, I was thinking, but didn't have the opportunity to post about, one of many human conditions. I do believe that at any stage of one's life/development, there is a necessary awkwardness in A: the disparity between what one perceives oneself to be (and be capable of)and B: what one genuinely is. Put simply, we will never truly understand who we really are at any point in our lives because this understanding comes only at a later stage after we've been proven wrong for thinking such and such about ourselves.

Consequently, this gap perpetuates throughout the entire course of our lives. If we can imagine plotting these two entities (A and B) on a graph of two axes (time and 'being'), A will always be a little/lot behind B in 'being' when viewed in terms of time as if in constant but fruitless pursuit, managing only to get where B has been but never meeting.

I am actually very glad to be doing romantic ballet again. I didn't realise how much I missed it. For not having gone up the grades, I think it is a bit of an 'equalizer' for technical disadvantages since it capitalizes very much on style as well =D

A random thought: 'The Robber Bride' (the movie) based on the book by Margaret Atwood is pretty cool. I haven't done any reading up or anything but I'm also pretty sure these ideas aren't original, but I like how in the end everyone claimed to have killed Zenia. With regard to the feminine narrative style, I guess it doesn't matter what really took place, because all of them had the desire, opportunity, and ability to kill her so that THEY ALL DID; for the ambiguity and inadequacy of the typical male narrative in accounting for the incident that we can assume this is how the incident took place to them and therefore to us.

If we can go beyond social conditioning of the emphasis on the 'concrete' male narrative, settling on a 'variable' account of events like this can probably be equally comfortable, like being able to see both with and without glasses.

I'm listening to: Metric - Succexy

Hello.

I've finally decided to start blogging again because I've settled down in school and my life will/should be pretty stable for the next few years. IT'S HARD SETTING UP A BLOG. I hope I will continue using this blog at least until the end of my university education, particularly because I've chosen, for better or for worse, to give up pursuing Literature. I need a space where I can express myself (somewhat) freely. For those who might find it rather distasteful, I can get a little misanthropic at times.

p.s. my address is from 12.51 by The Strokes =)


Hahaha I just wanted to share something funny. I was watching the mother's day special of the Ellen show this afternoon and they played this video. The little boy is SO cute!