Pfft. I really need to get all my lost Brand New songs back. I ONLY have 'The Quiet Things that No One Ever Knows' left; 'Am I Wrong' from my previous post was from Youtube. For a period of time, I'd feel horribly uncomfortable if I didn't have access to my songs even just for a day. Thank goodness I'm over that. I hope I won't lapse into it again.
When I try to think about my (more) distant future, i.e. 5 years and beyond, I can't come up with anything substantial. It's not that I don't have a vivid imagination, but nothing feels remotely plausible. This is quite awkward and uncomfortable, considering also that I subscribe to soft-determinism. I feel that I ought to have at least an inkling of an idea where I'm headed based on where I am now, but I don't. For as long as I could, I'd tried to remain a 'stem cell' so I'd have my options open. That's why I took 9 subjects at 'O' levels, including Physics which I have absolutely no affinity with or interest in, and Math at 'A's, which I just can't stand because I hate having to practise. It feels quite horrible thinking that as we're gradually branching out and specializing, there are some areas (of the academic world at least) that we're forever losing the potential for contact with under these maximally constructive conditions. We will never find out if we have the flair and talent for success in whichever field it is we don't access. University's only made me more acutely aware of this. The thought of being pigeonholed into something on the basis that there's no other space you can fill, and perhaps even under the illusion that you did like for this to happen, is just so revolting precisely because it isn't true.
Imagine, anyone's so called future hinges on just a couple of crucial moments in time where just a minor alteration in the circumstances present could result in a seismic divergence, taking them to a completely different place at the same point in time, in comparison. I can't remember who said this though, it is most definitely a 'she'; but I agree completely, that (what and who) we are products of the "nature cum nurture" lottery. Much of what we are depends really of what we call luck, though it's probably an oversimplification of many background forces that we just don't comprehend. If we're fortunate enough, it takes us in a good direction, but if we aren't, we would never know otherwise anyway, thanks or no thanks to the 'serial' arrangement (remember battery circuits in primary school science??) of chronological events. I don't think people who are unfortunate really know how unfortunate they are; they probably just believe it more strongly.
Maybe the point of all this is that it doesn't really matter at all. Our life courses can't possibly encompass all of, or even most of, everything under the sun, so why bother? It's a pity and a blessing that human life is so short. What a contradiction.
On a separate note, perhaps anthropologists have it better.
Friday, October 30, 2009
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