I'm listening to: Camera Obscura - Let's Get Out of This Country

I'm just a shell, because I misplaced my insides. I don't know where I left them, or if I'm supposed/going to ever find them. Nobody knows this, and I'm alone.

I feel so dead, empty, and uninspired. What would it mean, getting used to being this incomplete?

I could be a real person, I think.

I'm listening to: Black Sabbath - Changes

I have trouble getting out of bed in the morning. It's not because I'm still sleepy.

I'm listening to: Modest Mouse - Ocean Breathes Salty

Well that is that and this is this

You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get:
You get away from me, you get away from me.
Collected my belongings and I left the jail
Well thanks for the time, I needed to think a spell
I had to think awhile, I had to think awhile.

The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?
In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both grow old
Well, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know; I hope so.

Well, that is that and this is this
Will you tell me what you saw, and I'll tell you what you missed,
When the ocean met the sky.
You missed when time and life shook hands and said goodbye;
When the earth folded in on itself, and said, 

"Good luck, for your sake I hope heaven and hell
Are really there, but I wouldn't hold my breath."
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?

The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?
In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
The more we move ahead, the more we're stuck in rewind
Well, I don't mind, I don't mind; how the hell could I mind? 



When states of mind behave as measures of time.

I'm listening to: Train - Drops of Jupiter

The last time I went back there was about a year ago, but today's visit was exceptionally different, for certain obvious reasons and other less apparent ones. It was so ridiculously surreal; I felt a mixture of dread, shock, and a strange urge to laugh in reaction to all that absurdity - it was hopelessly infectious and practically seeping into my skin; I'm not even exaggerating, that's exactly how uncomfortable it felt. Is it possible to revisit the past and relive old memories? Persons, things, and places rarely if ever stay constant, so what you think you remember can never quite match current reality. 

I don't think it's as trivial as it sounds, because human emotion (I think) inevitably draws for us associations between past and present states of the same entity. The combined effect is jarring and so painfully disconcerting. How can something feel so familiar and yet so alien at the same time? How do we reconcile memories (the familiar) with current reality (the unfamiliar); and how do each/both of these relate to the past? I'm completely baffled, though I know it doesn't help that I'm not expressing myself as clearly as I'd like, and I also feel slightly embarrassed because I'm also wondering who would give him/herself such a hard time over something like this. 

It was a striking feeling - the result of something my mind and my heart couldn't work out between themselves - how much of our personal experience is based on our environment vs. our thoughts, or, in what proportions do internal and external influences affect the human experience? And why haven't I been troubled by these questions earlier? Are the answers too glaringly obvious or does all this really mean something? This is also why I was so shaken hearing that cover of this song; an odd combination of joy, sadness, regret, nostalgia, thankfulness, fear, deja vu, and a whole bunch of other things. 

How much has changed, and how much more will change?

Tell me, did the wind sweep you off your feet?
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the milky way?
And tell me, did Venus blow your mind?
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?

I'm listening to: Sleeping Beauty - Once Upon A Dream

I know you, 
I walked with you once upon a dream.
I know you,
The gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam.
Yes, I know it's true
That visions are seldom all they seem.
But if I know you, I know what you'll do -
You'll love me at once,
The way you did once upon a dream.

I'm listening to: Tears for Fears - Head Over Heels

I wanted to be with you alone and talk about the weather,
But traditions I can trace against the child in your face won't escape my attention.


It's hard to be a man when there's a gun in your hand.

I'm listening to: U2 - Stuck in a Moment

And you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need now
My, oh my

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it
Oh love, look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it
Oh lord, look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment and you cant get out of it

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter, along this stony pass

It's just a moment
This time will pass



Yeah; well, why's that easier to say than to believe? I've thought about saying goodbye because I get so tired, and it's alarming. It always is, though I'd like to think I have more substance than that and I've long outgrown this childishness, but exhaustion lapses into hopelessness, which gives way to a desperate re-examination of previously discarded options, and finally, a sombre recognition of this excruciatingly tortuous stasis - born of a ridiculous (self-imposed?) incapacity to induce decisive change. Fuck it. So I'll just continue to stand and wait, while praying that whatever it is I'm anticipating is in fact heading my way. Yes, it's all in my head. 

Bless us
You're swimming, and I'm running
You're driving, and I'm cycling
Even when you're flying, and I'm sailing
We're always moving together in parallel 
Though we don't always see it

And... I'm back on Blogger. I feel retarded trying (in vain) to blog properly on Tumblr - there's too much cool stuff there I can hardly think on my own. Ha.